Laid Off-Not-Down
No Country for Young Women: A narrative on current circumstances, future choices and some damning data.
Disclaimer: This post, unlike my previous ones, is about the present and not the past. It will include some ruminations, thoughts and questions, none of which I have answers to. And any sarcasm used is strictly for the purposes of humor (wink).
As the title suggests, I got laid off recently. In that way, my story is quite ordinary. Everybody is getting laid off now, and like we got used to living with covid, we are now getting used to the harsh economic realities of layoffs. BUT, in other ways, my story is not ordinary at all. Nobodies’ is. Since our whole lives - money, healthcare, retirement, even pet insurance - are tied to our jobs within capitalist America, when you are left without a job, the tenuous life we build quickly crumbles.
A quick rundown of my situation:
Last year, I re-assessed my life and career and made some major changes - I switched to Program Management from engineering and applied to business schools for a part-time MBA. I figured, to be considered for senior leadership roles or for any future funding1, an MBA might convince “them” to kindly look past my gender. This fall, I hoped to start the FEMBA program at UCLA which is also tied to having a valid H1B and a regular income.
If I don’t get a job within 2 months (the archaic H1B grace period) I estimate that the worst possible outcome will be that I suffer a setback of 2 years. Maybe more since I am a woman of color in her late twenties. Best outcome: My life takes the turn it's meant to.
Now, for the longer, messier version:
The morning I got laid off I was comically unprepared. I happily picked out a new blue summer dress to wear and walked into the office greeting my colleagues with a cheery good morning. When I walked past my huddled coworkers I remember only thinking how awkward it was to be the only woman working in engineering. I wish I had picked up on the undercurrents of uncertainty and despair.
A few moments later, my PM teammate approached me and, to his credit, gently broke the news to me. I smiled wryly and listened in good humor. I thought there was no way I would be let go. I stayed through the acquisition. All the managers lean on me. I was needed, right? But a ten-minute meeting in the afternoon stomped upon all my hopes. That very day was my last day. Being laid off is a distinctly dehumanizing experience in which you are surrounded by people you used to trust but definitely cannot turn to anymore.
I packed up and said my goodbyes. I shed several tears and it warmed my heart to see them returned by my coworkers (now ex?). To be honest, I felt sadder about leaving my team than about losing the job itself. I had ignored several red flags in the past for the sake of my manager and team. In retrospect, my advice to March-me would be, “Run. Save yourself, don’t get too comfortable.”
Another reason I had stayed was to use my PTO and attend my sister’s wedding which is less than a month away. Now I don’t know. I hold some hope that things will work out and I will be able to make it to her side. But realistically speaking, America’s heartless immigration policies make that impossible. Around 40% of me just wants to ditch it and leave. Fuck it, right? I am relying on the other 60% and my partner to keep me grounded and not let my rash side win.
But not to worry. Yet. Since it's still the first week, I have loads of optimism left. I listened to an episode of RJ Balaji’s podcast2 yesterday, and coincidentally, it turned out to be on resilience. His message was on point and relatable. As always. After that fateful day, I had been sad and disheartened for the next two days. But the morning of the third day, I felt 95% okay and ready for my next adventure. I know that in the grand scheme of things this is just a blip. I will recover and do some great things in my life. But living through the blip itself - not so great.
That doesn’t mean that I have a tight lid on the (sometimes) overwhelming panic. I slipped and applied to a bunch of random companies, knowing that the ATS gatekeeper is probably3 going to turn my resume away at the door. Career switchers are red flags after all. And having a female asian name? Gasp. Even worse. Then, I went down a rabbit hole searching for gender and immigration specific data. What I found was not surprising. Going the traditional route does not look good for me.
Some of what I learnt goes like this and you may already know it:
Only 26%4 of the tech workforce is female. Fewer still get hired into management roles. On the other hand, the percentage of women that got laid off? Around 65%5. For example, if a company that had 3 women and 7 men, laid off 40% of the workforce with a 50:50 gender split, it now has only 1 woman and 5 men left. And I worry that the few women left behind will soon follow. If you are a minority, having other minorities around helps you sit a little taller. Even if they aren’t on your team, just knowing that you are not alone plays a big role in making you feel more confident, safer even.
Indeed, the curtains have lifted and many corporations are revealing their priorities. Post-2020 DEIB6 measures? Phew. We don’t have to think about that horror anymore. Let’s cut the DEIB committees, and the ones who were invested in those measures, AND pretend it was all a bad dream. Yess.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees what an economic and social disaster this could be. But watching the stocks of NVIDIA, Meta, etc. rise so spectacularly feels like another kick in the gut. I’m glad for my ETFs but it makes me wonder. Especially when there aren’t many meaningful policies to help laid-off employees, especially women, re-enter the workforce. And for those on VISAs like me? Never mind. We are left to crawl among the gold sands of California chasing a mirage that will never truly materialize.
What comes next?? (TL;DR: No Idea.)
Keeping all this in mind, I have been using the past few days to strategize. How do I make the best use of my time? What choices do I have? Should I stay or leave? How can I play to my strengths and get an interview? How do I get over my awkwardness and reach out to people for help? How to find companies that I would actually like working for? How to be less, less of an immigrant, less of a woman, less of everything that makes me different from the norm which recruiters adore.
I am extremely aware of the fact that there are only so many systemic barriers one can overcome within TWO months. I know that some of what’s happening is beyond my control and trying hard, hard, harder, can be a misleading myth.
One of the reasons I stayed in the US is because I believed they accorded women more respect. June 2022 removed all such delusions, of course. But there are other, more personal reasons. For years, I had tried my best to stay aloof and ready to leave at any moment, and yet I couldn’t help but get engulfed within the local community: I have met some wonderful people, I adopted an amazing American bully dog-baby, I got to engage with different cultures and sample diverse cuisines!
However, there is only so much uncertainty7 a human brain can take (and I really can’t lose any more of my hair). I live in awe of all the older millennials who have stayed in this country on a shaky visa for decades. I never could muster the same faith in my future here, and it dropped even further after last week. For now, I plan to keep my mind wide open and be on the lookout for better opportunities. After all, losing a job is not and will never be my rock bottom.
To end on a positive note, I confess that I am one of the lucky ones. I am privileged in having a life to fall back on. I know that come what may, I have a loving home and a wonderful city waiting for me. So, if I do decide to head home - Chennai, get ready to welcome me with open arms.
A girl is in sore need of a hug.
Thank you for reading my story and staying with me so far. Writing this post was truly therapeutic. I hope it makes someone else in my situation feel less alone. I’m always here to commiserate with! Also, I am so thankful for my support system. My friends, family, neighbors, ex-colleagues, all of you who helped me process this. I was able to use the Memorial weekend to rest, gather my thoughts, write, wait for CSK to win, and play Diablo. Probably not the best use of the grace period huh? (shrug) I needed it. Anyway, thanks again!
Sources:
More on the Disproportionate effects of layoffs - HBR article and here.
ATS’s Gatekeeping.